To be completely frank, the last two years have been pretty horrible, reaching their zenith last Saturday when my father died. About two years earlier he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. After fighting it, the cancer receded to the point where it was not detected on the tests. Then last July it returned with a vengeance, ultimately spreading to his liver and his lungs.

On January 24 of this year we learned he would not be recovering and he was given six months to live. He would make one.

About six and a half hours before he died:

Friday, February 22, 2013 (10:41 pm)

i am watching my father die.
everyday people are posting about new babies, engagements, celebrations.
and i am watching my father die.
everyday people i once called good friends are posting nonsense but do not have a minute to call or write me back.

When grandma died i had —- to turn to.
father is dying. i have no love interest, i have few friends, few family left.

but i have this paper, and this pen, and endless possibilities, endless words.

Words will keep us together.
Words will keep us together.

damn it dad, why did you have to be so stubborn? why couldn’t you have tried some of the things I tried to get you to do? They may have helped, they certainly wouldn’t have hurt.

your body is still alive, your lungs still breathe.
but you are no longer here.
a week ago we had conversations.
now you sleep more than wake
you mutter, fail to communicate.
your words are lost, losing.
I am sorry father, I am so sorry I couldn’t fix it. I wanted
to fix it. stabilize it, make it better
make you happy.
i failed.
damn it.

This is real.
Somehow, this is real.
this suffering
this does not seem real.
i am scared.
very scared.

Goodbye Dad. Thanks for everything. I miss you. I love you.