The first girl I ever asked out was named Amber. She was strange and intriguing and I was crazy about her. When I finally got up the nerve to do it, she turned me down, saying that she was a lesbian. This, unfortunately, was a blatant lie.
After that, I’m not sure I ever formally asked a girl out again. I always tried to set up elaborate schemes where we’d be together and things would simply come to pass, with actions speaking louder than words.
My most elaborate high school scheme was concocted for a young lady named Caitlin. Dawson’s Creek was popular at the time and I had a huge crush on Katie Holmes who played Joey Potter, which was well known. I rounded up all of my friends, asking them to play characters from the show in a recreation of an entire episode. As this was prior to the internet being what it is now, the only way I had to get the script was to make a recording and listen to it one sentence at a time, writing it all out by hand. I typed it up, photocopied it, and handed it out to my friends, with Caitlin cast as Joey and me as Dawson. Ah, the cleverness of teenage me.
Needless to say the re-creation never happened and neither did me and Caitlin. On one memorable night, however, I took her to Baskin-Robbins, only to find it closed. When we had gotten out of the car to check the store, I locked the keys inside and had to call my father to bring the spare. Ah, the awkwardness of teenage me.
Never one to give up in pursuit of the ladies, I was always on the lookout for new angles and, one day during my Senior year in 1999, I went around school, asking people for their favorite pick up lines. Here are the 52 responses I got. Sure, you’ve heard a lot of them, but I guarantee a couple will be brand-new – and probably make little if any sense at all (see #17). To protect those involved, I’ve only put initials, but if anyone from high school stumbles upon this and wants credit for theirs, let me know, it’s all yours.
Oh, and Katie, I’m still available. I might be crazy, but not Tom Cruise crazy.
- I lost my phone number, can I have yours? –TR
- Do you have a map? Cause I keep getting lost in your eyes. – JB
- Is at a mirror in your pants ’cause I can really see myself in ’em. – ?
- Can I see the tag in that shirt? I want to see if you’re made in heaven. – PC
- Hey, I’m straight edge. You wanna go get drunk? – JB
- How do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized? – JS
- You’re like M&Ms, you melt in my mouth but not in my hand. – MB
- Did it hurt? Did what hurt? When you fell from heaven. – JB
- If you were an alien from outer space, I’d still do you. – MB
- Get the hell over here! – MG
- If you were a paraplegic and had hooks for arms, I’d still do you. – MB
- I like tractor pulls. You got any money? – JS
- Let’s be squirrels and bust a nut. – TK
- I’m a vampire, let’s go wake the dead. – TR
- Got a date? Want one? – JL
- Gimme some sugar baby. – JF
- If you were a half female/praying mantis type creature chick and if you wanted to do me but after the deed was done you would have to bite off my head, I’d say, what the hell, let’s get it on. – MB
- Do like Star Wars? Wanna stroke my wookie? – MB
- Do you like chips because I’m free-to-lay. – MB
- Do you work out because you’ve been running in my mind all day. – MB
- I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you? – LB
- Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes. – LB
- Your daddy must be a drug dealer because you’re dope. – WP
- You know what’s going on? You’re going on. – GTJ
- Excuse me, do you have a quarter? My dad told me to call home when I fell in love. – WP
- Baby, if I could rewrite the alphabet, I’d put u and I together. – WP
- Excuse me, do your feet hurt, ’cause you’ve been running through my head ALL day. – WP
- Baby, God must be sad right now ’cause when you came next to me he lost an angel from heaven. – WP
- Hey baby, do you wanna dance? (if answer is no) Oh, I’m sorry, I said you look fat in those pants. – WP
- (fan needed as a prop) Baby, I’m a big fan of yours. – WP
- Ja m’appelle Jean Marcel. – JM
- You’re hot, wanna go out? – JF
- You smell like Greek food. I like Greek food. Wanna go out? – MB
- (nod) – MB
- Nudge Nudge wink wink hubba hubba. JB
- That’s a nice shirt. It would look better crumpled up on my floor. – JS
- Nice shoes, wanna fuck? – LH
- How YOU doin’? – JF
- Baby, you’re so damn sexy, will you go out with me? – OH
- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed-rock. – JK
- Rubies are red, emeralds are green, you must weigh more than a washing machine. – PC
- How would you like to wine me, dine me, and have your way with me? – DS
- If you were a booger, I’d pick you first. – AS
- What’s your name? (insert name) Like the candy bar, eh? Oh, I was mistaken ’cause you look so sweet. – AC
- You wanna see something swell? – PB
- You wanna go halves on a bastard? – PB
- Do you want some of this genuina (sic) mexicana? – JB
- Are those space pants? ‘Cause your ass is outta this world! – JB
- Purely hypothetically, if I were to pass out right now, would you give me emergency CPR? – JB
- Do you wanna go pick up that dead raccoon? – JS
- You’re pretty hot for a fat chick. – JB
- You wanna do some heroin, baby? – MB/GJ