Like many people out there, I’m been struggling lately. And by lately I mean for years, but the recent months have been awful, full of health issues that have been rather debilitating. Things had been moving in a positive direction, but a recent series of events has put me back in it. In these days I’ve found myself feeling nothing from music. Okay, you say, no big deal, but for me it is. I’ve always loved music, but when I hit puberty it became a lifeline, something to hold me up when I needed it, and something to sooth when I was hurting. Then in high school it became a way of life, specifically the local Chicago punk scene of the late 90s. The internet was in it’s infancy and local scenes still meant something. It was community, friendship, family, and that all kept going when I got to college. Hell, I met my closest friend on the first day of orientation, when he spoke to me because I was wearing a Discount shirt.

In short, I don’t know where I’d be without music. It’s been a part of this blog since the early days, with my series on “Music to Write To,” where I profiled bands that have inspired my writing. Additionally, I wrote a 12 part story called Ten at the Trio that follows 10 individuals and groups as they make their way to an Alkaline Trio show at the Fireside Bowl.

Again, okay, you say, music has meant a lot to a lot of people. Many will also swear music saved their life – which is wonderful! – but what do you do when you stop feeling anything from music? That’s where I am now. Blunted, uninterested, empty. My favorite bands and songs mean little right now. What a mess my head is. Clearly the problem isn’t with music, but with me.

But I have hope it will take center stage for me again. In going though my old writings I found this little piece I wrote, trying to summarize what music was/did for me. Often, it is finding things like this, left by my past self, that let’s me reconnect with what was once meaningful. And so I share it here today.

July 14, 2006 –


There is one unifying language that does not use words, that needs only a few sounds to immediately convey an emotion, a thought, a lifetime. It is the rhythm by which we lead our daily existence, it keeps us going, calms us down, allows us to travel back in time, to recall memories long passed and people long gone. Without it we are emotionally empty. For each person, each song has completely different meaning, conjures different thoughts and lets us follow different paths – perhaps even tread our own. Music is inspiration, music is life, music is death, music is the unwavering whole that consumes us. One can simply plagiarize or one can create whole new lush worlds of sound. The simple feeling of creation is an absolute wonder. Only so many exist of possible outcomes are endless. The joy, the beauty, the magnitude of thoughts, feelings, words, memories that exist behind each piece of music is a true wonder.

Ah, younger me did have some moments of clarity. Everything in the world right now feels so heavy. Music always had the power to lighten that load for me – until now. Has anyone else ever going though this before? I know something will break through, whether it’s an old favorite or a new song that comes out of left field. Let’s hope it happens soon, my shoulders can’t hold up much longer.