Anyone who reads this blog knows I’ve had some serious health struggles over the past years. It started in 2019 when I had to quit my job as a barista because I could no longer hold a cup. That was scary enough, but I no idea it was only the beginning. Soon, I stopped being able to digest food and ended up in the ER, unable to use the bathroom. I got weaker and weaker, losing nearly 25 pounds, taking me down to around 122, which is way too little for my 6’2″ frame. I spent lots of time in bed, unable to sleep, but also unable to do much else. Endless doctors and tests, none with any conclusive answers. I gained enough weight to try working again, only to quit job after job because my body repeatedly failed. I finally thought I was okay, got a job I liked, and ended up in the ER again, this time unable to put any weight on my right leg. I crawled to the bathroom, dragging my leg behind me. Again, no answers, again it was left up to me.

Why am I recounting all of this again? Because, while many days continue to be a struggle, I’ve been working for almost a full year consecutively, and just a couple days ago I finished a 5K in a little over an hour. I walked it, yes, but I can’t explain how unimaginable that was only a short while ago, while I was in the throes of what seemed like an endless nightmare.

This was a virtual 5K, so I could do it anywhere. Because of that, and because I knew I wasn’t able to run yet, I chose to go to Animal Kingdom, circling the park until hitting that magical 5K mark. I thought there was a good chance I would be able to make it, even if it took two hours, but what I didn’t expect was that it would be such an incredible way to take in the park. Without a destination, except that invisible finish line, I suddenly saw all sorts of things I’d never noticed before, but more than anything what I noticed over and over again were the small moments of ecstatic joy between people, families, friends, couples. People of all ages, real moments, not ones posed for in order to post on Instagram, or perfected through an endless series of pictures to get just the right one, but real, organic moments – like ones that I remember having before all of this started.

It was so freeing to put down my desires and craving, to simply keep on going, taking in the parade of humanity around me. In recent years whenever I’ve used that phrase it’s been an extremely negative thing, highlighting the absolute worst behaviors of those among us. During that hour, I began to see the best moments again, and began to feel like I used to – hopeful, joyful, expansive. All those good moments were surely always there, but I lost the ability to see them, including in my own life.

It’s easy to internalize the most diseased parts of our society, and I believe that that’s what I did, becoming so tense it literally broke my body over and over again. It’s important to acknowledge those negative things, but not to wade in them, and certainly not to drown in them, as I did.

When I finished, I drank water, had a small snack, then rode on Dinosaur. I found myself laughing, completely letting go, having no fear, joyful and expansive and free, in a way that I remember but couldn’t feel anymore. When I heard myself laughing I realized I’d finally made it back to the best part of myself, the part that can do great things for the world around me and everyone I meet, including myself, and it took a virtual 5K to show it to me.